bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
