I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
