woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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