my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
