I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
