1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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