my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It's blow job season.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
