Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
