why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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