Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
