My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
