Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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