I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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