I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
