I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
