Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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