you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I will be naked everywhere
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize