Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
