i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
