I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
