what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just high enough for therapy.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
