Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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