Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize