you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
