He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
