Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
