You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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