Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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