I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
