Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
zippers are such a cool invention
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
