I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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