I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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