pop tarts are not kleenex
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
