Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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