dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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