i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
