he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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