My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
