My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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