How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
