Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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