Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
