guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
