i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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