dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
