1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
His nipple licking is glorious
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