those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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