beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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