I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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