i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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