My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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