I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
