I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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