just tell him i said nine months
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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