My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
