She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
