I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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