i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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