My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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