Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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