First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
