dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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