I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
