dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
