I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
