i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
