mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
