trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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